My Antisocialism Issues

I want to be sick; I'm getting sick of people. I really hate the way I get sometimes. I feel like there isn't anyone that I deserve to even talk to. I should just not have a mouth. It's pretty weird, a linguist that is antisocial and has problems with conversations. Whenever I talk to someone, the conversation becomes lopsided. It ends up being me talking to a wall again. (I've started doing this because walls are more kind than people and no matter what I say to them, their opinion of me will never change.) I'm afraid of what people think of me. Sometimes this leads to feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness. If you don't believe me, you haven't read my blog at all.

My life is like a massive pit. I dig myself into it, and I need others to take my out. Or rather, drag me out. I'm so dependent it's a joke. Without people I would fall apart, which is a problem because people don't want me. People don't need me, I need them. I wish it was some other way, but it's true. I want to feel special, feel normal. I want to fit in. I want to stop thinking about myself all the time. I mean, every sentence I write begins with either "I" or "I want". I want to be heard, not ignored. I want to feel happy, and I want to be an optimist once again. My hopes and dreams are bleeding out through my fingers into the keys. Blood everywhere, I close my eyes and inhale again. Why is this happening? Once again no answers. No one can hear me, even when I'm standing right next to them screaming "I'm here! I'm here! Can't you see me? Won't you listen?" They hear me, they ignore me, they walk away. It's okay though. I can live with it. I can tolerate it. I can bear it with me, the weight of the past crushing my future, devouring my hope. Or I can do something about it. I can let it out. I can choose to not let this happen again. That's what I'm going to do. I guess I just need more friends. Or perhaps I just need to get closer with the few I still have. That sounds like a plan. I'm going to write that down.

I never go to parties, and with good reason: I never get invited. I'm sure this is a good thing, however, because I'm pretty sure parties are horrible. I would know. The few I've been to I simply sat around doing nothing, being ignored for some time. Strange. It's that anti-socialism thing again I suppose. I can't write anymore... I'm so drained.


-MOMENTO MORI-
==EGO SUM LIBRA==